The Ancient Tome
by Kamarile
Summary: A wise, authorinserted Aes Sedai character discovers a mysterious ter'angreal in the vaults of the White Tower, which she then uses as a form of very heavyhanded, meanspirited satire.


Once upon a time there was an Aes Sedai of the Brown Ajah named  
Kamarile. She and her Warder Matola spent all their time reading  
books.

"Oh, life in the White Tower is so much fun, Matty," said Kamarile.

"It sure is, Kammy," said Matola.

"Oh look!" said Kamarile. "I see an ancient tome that looks like it  
hasn't been opened in centuries."

"Wow!" said Matola. He read the cover aloud: "Fa'an ficte'eon al'Net."

Kamarile opened the book and peered inside, gasping. "Matty, look at  
what we've found! The people who wrote in this book must have belonged  
to the AOL!"

"The Age of Legends, Kammy?"

"No... America Online!"

Matola read a few lines of the archaic writing and nodded his Warderly  
head in agreement. "Spelling and grammar in the AOL seems so crude  
compared to our own."

"Yes. Yes it does," said Kamarile. "It's almost impossible to  
decipher, most of it. What little I can make out seems to involve  
impossibly superpowered characters created solely for the author's own  
personal fulfillment."

"Ah, I see," said Matola. "These writers of the AOL must have been  
greatly interested in the tales of old. Look, here is a retelling of  
the story of Birgitte and Gaidal Cain!"

Kamarile's botoxed Aes Sedai face studied the passage that Matola had  
pointed out. "Ah, but there is something odd about this fi'ic!"

Matola gasped. "Birgitte would never do that! She's not a bitch! And  
Gaidal would never hook up with another woman."

"A woman with purple hair and eyes that sparkle like sapphires... Ah,  
but the ancient scholars had a word for this, Matola."

"What was it?"

"In the Old Tongue, they are called _marisu;_ creatures of the  
Dark One created in the AOL. Aginor crafted them in order to make the  
heroes of the Light do things that were ridiculously out of character."

Matola's stony Warder face hardened, and he reached for his  
sword. "Die, foul Shadowspawn!"

"No!" said Kamarile. "There may be a way to cleanse this tome of the  
evil which pervades it. It is said that there is a long-lost Talent  
from the days of yore... the Talent of _Em'ess'ti._ An Aes Sedai  
who posesses this Talent for hilarious mockery might be able to make  
this "Fa'an ficte'eon al'Net" bearable, or even fun to read!"

"And do you have this Talent, Kammy?"

"There is only one way to find out," said the Aes Sedai resolutely,  
and reached for her pen.

Matola groaned. "I guess I'm going to get stuck doing this too,  
aren't I?"

Kamarile nodded sagely.

After several hours of hilarity, the two had created some marvellous  
works of _Em'ess'ti._

"Gee," said Kamarile, "It's a good thing that Talent wasn't REALLY  
lost. Now, I'll have to inscribe this upon the final page of the  
tome..."

But as soon as she put her words down, they vanished on the page!  
Matola growled, and pointed to a line of text right above where the  
Aes Sedai had written. In the foul tongue of the Trollocs, it read:

"Entries not allowed: 1. Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges,  
author notes, and etc.  
2. One or two liners.  
3. MST: comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story.  
4. Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters:  
actors, musicians, and etc.  
5. Any form of interactive entry: choose your adventure, second  
person/you based, Q&As, and etc.  
6. Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries. "

"What about our Lazy Man's Re-read?" Kamarile wondered out loud,  
thinking of the hilarious series of condensed Wheel of Time chapters  
that the two of them had begun as both a humor piece and a public  
service to help people re-read the series who didn't have the time or  
energy to do so. "Maybe the awesomeness of that piece could cleanse  
this book." But just like the MSTs of "THE THREAT REMAINS," "When  
Harts Are Broken Parts 1, 2 and 3," "Fear and Suffer," and "The  
Problems With Love," the Lazy Man's Re-read disappeared!

"This book has fallen to the Shadow," declared Matola. "I'd better  
smite it with my Warder sword, or something."

"Don't!" said Kamarile. "This book is obviously a _ter'angreal_  
of some sort, so who knows what will happen if you try to whack it  
with your sword?"

"Well, what do YOU intend to do about it, then?"

"I am going to put it back on the Brown Ajah bookshelf and leave it  
there."

"But you can't do that!" said Matola. "If someone else were to read  
it, they would become susceptible to its evil influences!"

"Pssh," said Kamarile. "It's not like anyone reads this thing anyway."

The End!


End file.
